Wonky

Isn't doing the right thing supposed to feel a little better than this? Usually it means jumping up and down screaming, "OH MY GOSH, THIS IS SO LIBERATING!!!!!" I've triumphed over sin, kicked the devil in the face and said, "Yeah, that's not gonna be the way things go anymore!" This is a happy occasion!

But I just want to lay face-down on my bed and not think about it. God nudges me on the shoulder and I brush Him away like, "Yeah, yeah, I know it was for the best. That doesn't mean it's any less frustrating."

I wonder if Paul ever had those moments after being tossed in prison. Again. I wonder if he looked over at Silas in the jail in Philippi and said, "You know, this schtick's getting really old."

I Peter (supposedly the book on suffering) says that suffering for what is right is actually a good thing. My situation is certainly far from "suffering" - there was no physical pain involved, no abuse for my faith, nothing like that. But the wound is there because I did the right thing, because I said "this is wrong" and changed it. I wonder if it's actually a wound in my heart. Right now my heart's saying, "You did the right thing;" it's my head that's scoffing at me, "Well, that was stupid, what'd you do that for?"

One thing's certain: I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. My brain is still working out the logistics, but there's a small voice somewhere inside me that's comforting me, "Well done, my child. You have made what is right more important than what you want."

And I suppose that's comforting....sort of. It'll take a while to process this one....