Vanilla

What does it mean to be strong? Not in the "I can hoist a car on my shoulders" strong - I mean the "I feel like sobbing into a pillow but I'll put on my happy face" strong. Maybe it's like holding in a sneeze until after the chapel speaker's finished praying - you deal with stress but you wait until nobody sees it, and they'll think you're so capable and you have it all together. Maybe it's like holding in a sneeze until it goes away altogether.

I've been called that twice in the last week; so apparently if you keep a cool head in a non-stressful situation, or you're willing to tell a friend that you can't talk anymore, that makes you a strong person.

The funny thing is, I've never considered myself "strong" in that sense. (Or the "I can hoist a car" sense, for that matter.) When I went to visit my brother in the hospital when he had his tonsils taken out, I saw his IV and had to lie down before I passed out. When things go slightly un-according to plan, I panic and wonder how it'll get fixed. Or better yet, I mope around, bemoaning the misery that has befallen me. We'll just toss that out there: I'm a worrier, a fretter, a hand-wringer. I have just developed this trait in the last few years, about the time I started college. Am I getting all the right requirements for my major? Am I even in the right major? Well, this is what I feel called to do, but was it God calling me or just some whim? I picked to be a teacher, so I'd better get used to eating ramen noodles out of old Tupperware and wearing out shoes until the soles fall off. What about that crack in my tooth, is my nerve exposed, am I going to die? All I see on Facebook anymore is people getting married - am I left out? Will I ever get married and have kids? But shouldn't I wait for that until I've lived life a little on my own? Why am I worrying about that when I have three papers and a test due this week? The list drags on.

I believe God speaks through coincidence and repetition. (My high school AP English teacher always said, "Repetition is the key to understanding.") I believe that all of us need to hear something six or twelve times before it really sinks in and we start believing what we hear. And this week, on three different occasions since Thursday, I have had this passage shoved in my face:

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can't accomplish a little thing like [getting you food or clothes], what's the use of worrying over bigger things?...Why do you have so little faith?...your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you what you need.

 

When my pastor said he felt led to talk about this today, I rolled my eyes like, "Alright, God, I understsand You're trying to teach me something here."

 

In the past few weeks, I've been getting such a crash-course in not worrying. Like when I found out another considerable sum of money had been tacked on to my college debt, which will translate into student loans. Or when my adopted grandpa was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis - I went to visit him for maybe the last time today. Or when I haven't been able to find a job on campus. Or when I worry about my future as a teacher or, more recently, whether I will find a boyfriend or wind up old and alone. (I'm a girl, it's in my DNA to freak out about such things.) Today in church my pastor directed us to Matthew 6, that section in the Sermon on the Mount where Christ talks about possessions and worrying. And at some past point I had written in big pink letters next to the above section, "RELAX, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

 

I don't have all the answers. I don't know how much longer my grandpa will live. I don't know where money will come to pay off my student loans. And who knows - I may be single forever. But it's not important that I know all of those things. Because I know for damn sure I don't have to worry about them. I'm learning to be content with the life I'm living right now. I am Bethanie, single, at this specific weight, in X-amount of debt, with a living grandpa for today. Today I thank my God for having everything under control. And I'll work with what I have for today to give glory to the God who has all my problems, issues, struggles, trials, and insecurities in His hand.

 

Maybe that's why I'm dubbed "strong." Maybe it's because I know Who holds my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows, and everything that happens during those days, and I don't let those hiccups get to me. Instead of looking at everything I'm dealing with, I look up to my Father who says, "Chill out, my child. I got this."

 

Be encouraged today, my friends. You are loved by the Father today.