Ever

Remember that verse in Psalm: "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires." As a kid I always thought that meant that, when you're in touch with God, He'll give you what you want. This is what's referred to as the "vending machine God" - He's sitting around waiting to bless you and give you what you want.

Now flip through some of the other psalms and read about David's problems, his tests, his loss. The book of Psalms has some of the most desperate literature ever written; it is here that you can find a man at his most broken. "O Lord, how long will You forget me? Forever? How long will You look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!" What about Paul, credited as one of the most intense servants of God? He was imprisoned, beaten, shipwrecked - he actually said in his letters to expect persecution for our faith.

I'm pretty sure neither of them said, "Gosh, I'd really like to be persecuted - nothing would make me happier."

As I thought more about it, I thought this meant that, the closer you walk with God, the more His desires become your own desires. You will crave righteouness and the peace that comes with it, because you will understand what's important to God and what He wants for you.

This morning I was thinking about that verse, and it clicked: maybe instead of our own desires aligning with God's desires for us, maybe He implants those desires in our hearts. When the psalm says He'll give us the desire of our hearts, it doesn't mean He'll give us what our hearts desire - it means the desires themselves were placed there by God.

I've actually been noticing this in my own life lately. I'm an English education major, and I've been thinking about where I want to teach when I graduate. I've thought about Christian schools, since that's all I've ever known - fifteen years and counting in Christian education. But last year, during our winter missions conference (missionaries come in and tell us what they've been doing and try to hype you up to go overseas to "preach the gospel") I was talking to a friend of mine about potentially teaching overseas. She suddenly mentioned that we have a people here in America that we all too often forget about: Native Americans on reservations. I started doing a little research and found statistics about reservation education (in case you were wondering, they're appalling). And for maybe the first time in my life, I felt a reassurance that God was leading me somewhere, and that He had a plan for me. In late March of this year, I wrote in my journal:

"My God, I've been praying for You to show me what to do and where to go. I've asked for a sign, for a drive, for a passion...And I've started to question if You're really leading me or not. Everything been so foggy, nothing has been definite...Two weeks ago I sat under a tree, begging You to teach me, to show me. And now I hear You. Oh my God, my God, I have that realization, that knowledge, that assurance. I can't write it fast enough - I can barely sit still, I want to run and scream and tell somebody but I can't figure out words to say it...I know it now! I'm literally drawn to my knees, face-down on the floor, writhing on the ground from the realization that this is it! MY GOD, MY GOD, YOU ARE HERE, OF ALL ELSE I'M LETTING GO!! I'M COMPLETELY YOURS!!! TAKE ME!! HELP ME TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY!! TAKE ME TO THE CHILDREN WHO HAVE THEIR CULTURE AND NOTHING ELSE!! SEND ME TO THE FORGOTTEN, THE LEAST OF THESE!!"

Since then I've been learning more about the Native American culture from classes and documentaries. In that time it's been reaffirmed over and over again that this is where I need to go. And it's becoming more than "I feel like I need to do this." I actually want to do this! I find myself looking forward to graduation, when the calling of my life can be fulfilled and I can begin to do God's work in kids that I've never met but I love already.

Maybe that's what that psalm means...I feel like I'm starting to "get it."