Yet

1 August

I am severely unready to adult.

When I sit down and look at my life, I see myself - 22 years old with a half-baked degree in English education and $xx,xxx of debt - standing at the edge of a very steep, very abrupt, very scary drop from the comfortable surroundings of my childhood into the abyss of "being a grown-up." I remember being so eager to be an adult ten years ago, when I wanted my own apartment and a dog named Rowdy and the right to do whatever I wanted instead of my mom telling me "empty the trash can" and "wash the dishes."

Now - when the trash is my own and the dishes pile up under dust and mold - all I want to do is sit on my couch in my sweatpants and eat chicken nuggets while I watch "Spongebob."

Yesterday I told my dad that I don't want to teach English in Korea. It seemed like a really easy route: pack up for a year or two, work in a Korean school, and gain the experience of a lifetime to the tune of about $2000 a month. (Housing provided.) I've prayed so much in the past year for wisdom in everything that I do, and I've been blessed to feel the peace of my Father in several areas of my life. But in the past few years I've learned the difference between fear in my heart and unrest in my soul. And this time, I think it's the latter.

Don't get me wrong: I want to be free. I want to be independent. I want to pay my own bills and get my own groceries to myself for a little while.

I just don't think I have to go halfway around the world to do it.

Since the conversation with my dad, I've had another conversation with my mom: if not that, then what? This is the time to buckle down and figure out what I want to do with my life - not the rest of it, but just the next step of it. I have student teaching left as a cushion, but that'll be over four short months from now. I'm dating an incredible man and we've talked about the possibility of getting married. And I know that the next year will be one of incredible growth: personal, spiritual, experiential, financial.

Be it known right now: I am not scared. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed with the thought of moving out of my home and starting a career and finding an apartment and paying for electricity and maybe marrying my best friend, but I am not scared. I'm ready to see where life will take me around the plans that I'm making along the way. I'm ready to see where my God takes me while I'm busy saying "this is what I want" instead of listening to what He wants.

I just need a minute to curl up under my blankets and stare at the wall.

~~~

8 December

I think it's high-time for an update. This is in response to my 1 August entry, when I was staring down the barrel of a 15-week student teaching gig, back when my future seemed so certain and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

How four short months can alter everything.

Whether I like it or not, I am officially an adult, about to start paying rent and car payments and worked 1 1/2 full-time jobs and trying to make my way through the transition of student to totally a grown-up.  In August I was planning on going to Korea to teach English. At 22 years old, 168 pounds, with a half-baked English degree and five-digit debt, I just needed to get through student-teaching before I was turned loose in my own classroom to teach the masses and change the world.

With three days left before graduation, I'm still 22 years old, though another six pounds lighter (this comes from not eating); my degree will come in the mail (though my teaching license will come via email) in the next few weeks. And next week I go back to Kroger full-time instead of just part-time like I originally thought would be the case, along with a few hours a week at an orthodontist's office. And I can still do odd jobs for the guy I mowed grass for this summer. On the side I'm looking for editing or publishing positions so that I can at least put part of my degree to use.

The thing I'm forgetting is that my God has a game plan even when I don't turn to Him for guidance. That doesn't mean He doesn't show up: I got the news about my Kroger hours after I'd been moping around for three days feeling sorry for myself. But as my dad always says, it's all about an "attitude of gratitude," which hasn't exactly been my priority for the past few months. I've been so worried about what will be my next option that I've become self-centered, miserable, and zero-fun to be around. What a horrible way to spend a life.

My Father, help me to trust You in the hard times, and not to be so bitter during those times.