Reflection

Looking back on 2014 from the end of it, I can safely say this has been a weird year. I'm reading back over my current journal, which started on 27 November of last year, and I catch words like "scared," "try," fail," "pacing." It's been a year of letting go, saying goodbye, and welcoming new friends with wary but willing "hellos."

The year started out with what I thought was a brave move. I had spent a semester with a less-than-ideal roommate situation, and when I was presented with the opportunity to move into an empty room in the corner of the freshman dorm, I took it. It was the first time in a really long time that I made a move that was in my best interest, instead of taking the easy road. The semester progressed and I plunged head-first into literature classes and writing courses that stretched me both as a scholar and as a writer. I was journaling nearly every day and on a level that was deeper than "today I cleaned my room." (That's actually a joke, I think my room was clean the day I moved in and the day I moved out.)

Between that semester and this past summer, I was the busiest I've been in years. I was put on stage crew for two shows and counted such a blessing to work with some of the most talented and dedicated people I've ever met. I have been working for nearly two years straight, between cleaning showers and sealing envelopes and scrubbing baseboards for old women and vacuuming carpets that smell like cats and dusting shelves and pulling weeds. And nearly every day I come home exhausted but with the sense of "I did something today."

This year has been one of figuring out what's in my best interest. Certainly not in a selfish way, but I rarely take time to think about my needs instead of what other people want for/of me. I wrote back in the spring that I was tired of being overweight but not because someone else had told me that I was overweight; I wanted to get healthy because I wanted it. I didn't go on some crash diet, and I didn't starve myself...though I did do about three hours of exercise in one day, which had me laying in bed with such a massive pain in my chest that I literally thought I would die, right then and there. (It's called "angina," and it's not a heart attack. It comes from your heart working too hard. Or, in other words, when you play the idiot and subject yourself to three hours of exercise in one day.) And without beating myself up if I gained a little and not letting myself go if I lost a little, I have successfully kept off 16 pounds since May. And while I've lost a little bit around my middle, I've gained discipline as a lifestyle. Which is really cool.

This year hasn't been all rosy. If you've been keeping up with my blogs for a while, you'll know that especially the last five months have been a little rocky. I went into student-teaching, all ready to learn everything I needed to know to be the best teacher I could be, only to find out three weeks into it that I hated it. I told my dad that the game plan of me going to teach in Korea for two years was never something I wanted to do, which I kept to myself for several months for fear of disappointing him. I have finally decided on a next step that was drastically different from my original game plan, but it's not one that seems unreasonable or like I'm settling for something that's easy. And in the process I have been able to nail down, clearly and without a doubt, "This is what I want." Because it is, after all, my life to live.

As this new year begins, I don't really know what will come next. Obviously the very next step is to go make sweet tea and go to work and take down my Christmas decorations (sad day) and drink Angry Orchard at my family's crazy New Year's Eve party where we all fall asleep on the couch and wake up right before the ball drops. But the next-few-months steps...not really sure. This is not a fun place to be in: for the first time in my life, my next move isn't very clear. But I'm ready to find out what it is. I've already started asking the hard questions and making the bold moves. So whatever winds up happening...I'll keep you posted.

Happy New Year, dear friends. Go tell somebody you love them. And be happy this year - life is so much more interesting when you approach it with a smile.