Rise

Today was the first day that I seriously thought about quitting. I was so close to walking out the front door of that school and saying, "No thank you, I'm done," to ending this charade and going out to find what I really want to do. I was looking at jobs online yesterday and getting so discouraged when I didn't find anything where I might fit. (Ma squashed my interest in the high-speed career of urn salesman, she said I wouldn't be very good at sales.) And at this point - as I told the guy who called from Concordia University to talk about a masters in education - I'm not interested in continuing with this venture after graduation - the next 43 days are merely a formality, a hoop to jump through, a means to an end that is unnecessarily overwhelming and confusing and not rewarding on most days. Most of the time I fly around trying to remember everything that I need to do while also trying not to stress out and to remember that this is just a thing, this is not a life. In 43 days this will be over, and I'll be moving on. To what, I have not the slightest clue. But to something other than teaching.

I took a  minute to look over the notes my 7th grades from my last school wrote to me on the last day I was there last year. And it almost made me cry to see those little smiley faces and heart doodles around the encouragement to "Mrs. Howls" to "keep the faith," "don't give up."

"We'll miss you."

"We loved having you."

"You'll be a great teacher."

These little people who had faith in me when now my faith in myself is dwindling.

I'm so overwhelmed, my heart is so full. My brain never shuts off and I don't see any break from it.

O God, my God, calm my writhing spirit. O God, my God, help me to lift my eyes to Your precious peace, Your ever-steady calm.