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My brain is so exhausted. In the past week I've gone from substitute teaching to going back to school to seriously looking at going back to school in the spring to sitting on the back of my truck talking to a very wise man about how my whole life has been a lie. But I've finally put into words what I'm going to do.

When I graduate I won't be going back to school. I thought about maybe going back and finishing my English degree - I would only need to take twelve credits and could knock it out in a semester. But when I emailed one of my profs about a class question and explained my game plan, he asked if we could talk it through a little bit. He explained that it would mean more money spent on getting a degree that, in the eyes of potential employers, I already have. He said it would be a better use of my time and money to go ahead and work - pick up another job, work my ass off (let it be known that I am not afraid of hard work and lots of it), live at home, and start to make myself more financially stable while figuring out what I really want to do.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that going back to school was a safe option. I've been a student for a long time. I'm used to it. But it's not moving me forward at all. In fact it would be putting me into even more debt for something that I basically already have. And in my panic over the impending end of the semester, I was desperate for some option. In the week since it was presented to me, I hadn't had a chance to sit in silence and think it through. I was flying around, frazzled and exhausted and panicked and scared, and I wasn't seeing clearly, let alone thinking clearly.

Which is never a good way to make decisions.

About an hour into our conversation, he said I need to figure that out first, because he hadn't heard it up to that point. I said, "I want to find a Muggle job (something that brings in cash even though it might have nothing to do with my actual degree) that I can leave at work so I can write on the side."

And he said, "That's it. That's what I should do."

And so that's what I'll do.

I have twenty-five days left of student teaching, and after that I'll certainly have my Kroger job to look forward to. I'm going to focus on looking at library jobs - I don't need my masters to just have a staff job, only if I were planning on being a full-out librarian. I picked up an application today and hopefully should know something in the next few weeks. I figured out that I really don't want to be a substitute teacher: I've been told that it's boring and not that great of pay, and it just really isn't something that I want to do.

So now we have a game plan. A real game plan. A more sure game plan. And, this time, the game plan that I want.

I'm scared. I'm unsure of what job I'll do or where I'll eventually go. But for right now, this is OK. My prof said that this point in my life - my early twenties - is not only allowed to be an experimental one, but it's expected. And the only thing I'll be held accountable on at this point is my effort in finding another job. And that is so much more comforting.

And it's OK to be scared. Because this time is very scary. And there's no need to minimize that.

For the first time in months, I feel like I'll be OK. And that is such an amazing sense of relief.