Sand

As of tomorrow, we will have been married for two weeks. And what a two weeks it’s been. The honeymoon was awesome: three days up and down the Pigeon Forge/Sevierville/Gatlinburg parkways visiting wineries and distilleries, hiking in the Great Smoky Mountain National Park (saw my first black bear), eating delicious food (#AppleBarn), enjoying a mountain view from our balcony hot tub, laying in bed drinking beer and watching TV knowing that we had absolutely nothing else that we should be doing. Exactly what we needed.

And then we came home and both of us got a stomach virus. Nothing like “I threw up in the shower” to let you know the honeymoon’s over.

And so life goes on. He went back to work, I went back to work, we got groceries, I made pork in the crockpot on Wednesday. Nothing’s different.

Marriage is the most special of bonds. There is one person in the whole world who knows me the way Joey does, the same can be said of him. Your relationship must be nurtured daily for it to last, and it is hard, unnatural, dedicated work. We stood in front of our family and friends and vowed to stick this thing out, come hell or high water. And we know that keeping that sacred promise will take some effort.

But you know what? Marriage is also not that big a deal. It feels so far like living life, except the “home” I go back to every night is our own and I have a man in my bed when I wake up every morning. Bills still have to be paid, we still can’t agree on what to watch on TV at night, and that full hamper means you should probably do laundry.

I sound a little melancholy when I talk about it, but this is what I’ve been saying for months: at the end of the wedding, you’re left with a marriage. The planning is done, the frills have fallen away, we have our cake in the freezer; and life went back to normal. A somewhat slow normal, it seems like, since we don’t have a cataclysmic date marked on the calendar anymore.

Hey, I said I was waiting for the day when I could lay on the couch and know that I had nothing else that I should be doing.

My mom and I are honoring our Friday night tradition tonight since Joey’s out of town – ordering pizza and binging “Say Yes to the Dress” on TLC (Friday is bride day!) – but it doesn’t feel the same to watch it anymore. They don’t tell you that you’ll wear that special dress that was destined for you for about six hours, and then you’ll get on with your life again. It’s not the glamorous side of weddings, so of course they don’t mention it on a show bent toward the multi-million-dollar wedding industry. So I’m saying it now. To those of you who crave marriage as a filling of some void you feel, it won’t fix it. It’s like leaving your dishwasher full of dirty dishes and going on vacation: you feel great for the week that you sit on the beach, but your dishes are still there when you get home. Marriage is wonderful, yes; and I’m actually really happy that we had the ceremony, even after months of asking, “Are you ready to elope yet?” But it is not the end-all-be-all. Joey still has things that he wants to do: he didn’t become immediately fulfilled when he became a husband. And I still have dreams of being a published author: I didn’t put those on a shelf after I became a Mrs.

Marriage is a coming together of two individual people who should fight to maintain their individuality – marriage is not a call to become the mirror image of the person you married. You must continue to grow and develop as a person, and your spouse will do the same. The thing that makes it so special is that you will do this together, building each other up, changing against one another, with no expectation of “I’m not dealing with this anymore” if suddenly you wake up and realize that the person you married isn’t the person in bed next to you anymore. (I mean, unless your spouse turns into a serial killer, this might pose a problem.) Who else in all the world do you get to do that with?

You have a heavy responsibility in front of you if you’re contemplating a walk down the aisle. And it is a sacred vow that should not by any means be taken lightly. But there’s no need to take it so seriously. Unless you’re marrying a marriage expert (which, I’m pretty sure, don’t exist), you are not expected to have it all figured out. The first little bit will be rocky as you continue to work out each other’s roles and expectations – you can talk about it all you want before you tie the knot, but all that talk means nothing until you put it into practice. This is OK. Be open with each other about likes and dislikes, talk about what works and what doesn’t. That’s what makes it fun: you develop your marriage into your own, without having to look exactly like somebody else’s marriage. Your marriage is as unique as the two people who have created it – nurture it as such.

I posted a question on Facebook a few months about “keeping God at the center of your marriage” – everybody says that’s important but they never really explain what that means. And in her wedding card to us my roommate’s mom included the best explanation I’ve ever heard. She presented it like a line:

HUSBAND          GOD          WIFE

As I, woman, go closer to my God, I am simultaneously moving closer to my husband. This is why a growing relationship with God is crucial in a God-honoring marriage, and if your spouse is of the same mindset, he won’t mind playing second fiddle to God the Father (as you shouldn’t either). You also notice that, to see your spouse, you have to look through God, which means seeing your spouse – the inherently flawed person that he or she is – the way that God sees them. God overlooks their eccentricities and quirks and loves them regardless, choosing instead to see the treasure that they are, worthy of unconditional love whether they don’t mow the grass right when you ask or load the dishwasher differently than you. It makes those little things that get under your skin seem not so important, and not so detrimental to a flourishing relationship.

Dear friends, I’m not an expert by any means: like I said, we’ve only been married for two weeks. But this is what I’ve found so far in only two short weeks. And I cannot wait to see what the rest of our future has in store.