Wales

Well, we've been waiting for a year, but we are now officially in the home stretch: we have less than forty days until the wedding. I was on the couch with Joey last night, watching TV and sharing a box of these pretentious truffle things my neighbor gave us that she promised would "blow us sideways" (he said she's a terrible person for giving them to us, the box was nearly empty by the time I left), and I couldn't help but think, "This will be our norm in a month...and I could really get used to this." I get excited all over again when I think that I get to be the wife of this incredible man; I will get to wake up next to him every day, to roll over and say, "Good morning, my husband." I still smile like an idiot every time I drive twenty minutes to see him instead of going months between visits and waiting at the airport for his flight that might get in now or might not be here for another four hours.

This whole thing just tickles the hell out of me.

When we started this wedding planning venture, I received a couple books to help the process be as painless as possible. And I promptly put them on a shelf in my room and let the process be painful because I like the most difficult scenario possible. But after arguments and compromise and thrown-out ideas and "oh my God, just pick something because I'm tired of talking about this," we've come out on the other side, a month away and basically done. We're sitting on "go," and hopefully that blessed day will be upon us with little stress and much, much enjoyment.

Dear friends, no amount of books or advice from brides who came before can really prepare you for the planning of your own wedding. Just as each couple is unique, each wedding comes with its own set of challenges. You watch "Say Yes to the Dress" and see the girls with perfectly-curled hair and the sample dresses that hug their bodies like they were specifically tailored to them and think, "Surely they didn't have these struggles." (Maybe because they can afford to drop $8,000 on a dress that they will wear once. Surely people who spend a lot of money don't have struggles, right?)

^Sarcasm.

Here are a handful of things that I learned during the planning of my own wedding. And like I said, this doesn't apply to everyone: you have an idea of how you want your wedding, and your idea doesn't look exactly like mine. But these are some blanket statements that I have discovered in the past almost-fourteen months of planning. (And this is mostly geared toward brides, as much of the wedding industry is these days. Sorry, guys.)

1) You are not marrying yourself. Remember that dude who asked you the question and put a ring on it? Yeah, he's part of your day too. I know he doesn't care about some of the things I have cared about, but Joe does have opinions. He has to wear the outfit that I have in mind, he has to eat the food at the reception, he has to say whether or not he wants a first dance. (Which, thank God he didn't - neither of us was blessed with grace.) There were some points when I had to ask him, "Do you really care, or are you just having an opinion to have an opinion?" But when your guy speaks up about something he'd like to have or not, listen to him. The bride may be the focus (which really irritates me), but there's another half to this blessed event.


2) It's OK not to care. I knew when my mom was asking me what socks I wanted the guys to wear that I was in way over my head. I genuinely did not care about what plates we had at the reception. I couldn't care less whether the guests throw birdseed or rice or sprinkles or green beans as we leave. (I did not know you're not supposed to throw rice anymore: good luck it may be, but birds eat it and it puffs up in their stomachs when they drink water. If you love the environment, you'll stick to something more bird-friendly.) The best decision I made was putting my mom in charge and learning to say, "I really don't care." Just because someone asks your opinion doesn't mean you have to have one. It's actually frustrating for everyone when you say "yes" just to say "yes" but don't really mean it. Establish early that honesty is more important than an argument about socks.

3) BE HONEST. Refer to the latter half of that last paragraph. Dear Lord, this is more important. If you don't want that, say it. If that's really important to you, say it. This is your day, no matter who's helping you plan it: ultimately your say is most important.

4) This day is not all about you. I learned this in a fairly hard way pretty early in the planning process. Neither Joey nor I really wanted a wedding in the first place: we were so focused on who we would marry that neither of us gave much thought to how we'd get married, and we would have been totally fine with eloping and having a party with all of our friends and family. (I think we've said about once a week, "Are you ready to elope yet?") In hindsight I'm glad we didn't: he moved here and we've spent more time together in the last ten months than we have in two years of knowing each other. We bought a house, we put it together, we both made job decisions - it was best for us to have a long engagement. But you must remember that this day is bigger than the two of you. This is the joining of two families with the union of one from each; this is the chance for your friends and family to celebrate a new future in the making. This is the chance for your parents to celebrate the ultimate sign of adulthood of their child. As much as the media makes about the bride, this is not just your day. Remembering how many other people are involved will steer you away from acting like a spoiled brat who must get her way in every aspect of the wedding. (This took me about six months to learn, I'll shamefully admit.)

5) You do not have to have your dress ready six months early. This was actually a surprise to me that I learned from the seamstress who altered my dress. The magazines tell you to have your dress finished months in advance, but they're not accounting for weight changes, growths, limbs that go missing. I'm still in possession of the four limbs I had before, but I'm about two sizes down than I was when I bought my dress last April. I called the seamstress in November and explained my alteration needs, and she told me to call back in February, when I'd be at about the same size as I would on my wedding day. I was shocked! But I'm glad I waited: my weight has even shifted since November, and now, a month out, my dress fits like a glove and is more likely to be perfect on the wedding day. The moral of this story: while you need to do some things in advance (like book your venues: do that immediately), you don't always have to follow the timeline that Wedding Wire suggests.

6) Bigger is not better. But less is not always more. Establish at the very beginning of your process what kind of wedding you want. I was a very practical bride and knew that our money was better suited toward what comes before and after the wedding - you know, student loans, mortgage payments, having enough propane in our tank to get us through the winter. I bought my dress on Amazon.com for $100 and have DIYed as much as possible. But maybe you want a big expensive wedding. Maybe you want a little cheap wedding. Either is perfectly fine. But just remember: a big wedding costs a lot of money, and a cheap wedding runs the risk of looking tacky. Get a clear picture in your head early of your wedding "vision." And stick to it.

7) DIY is not always the way to go. I am not a creative person. I have cute ideas on my Pinterest, but I am not good at making them happen. Another "best decision" I made was saying, "Is it really more cost-effective to make it myself, or would it be easier to pay someone else to do it who's better at this than I am?" We did a lot ourselves: Joey and I spent four days tying birdseed in tulle and ribbon, and my mother-in-law-to-be has done an amazing job with the flowers. But we have saved ourselves a huge headache by renting and ordering.

8) Take your time. I understand that you want to hurry up and be married. But the last thing you need to be is stressed. We started immediately after I got engaged, took a four-month break in the middle when shit went down with my parents, and hit the ground running again in January. Now we have a full month to sit back and tackle any last-minute hiccups that come up. Planning is done, preparation is complete, and we're sitting back just waiting for the week before 16 April. At first it was a pain: I am not a planner, and when my mom pressed me to make decisions the week after we got engaged, I struggled seeing the reasoning behind it: "We have a year!" But I'm so glad we did so much so early. If you can give yourself at least six months to plan, do that. If you can be patient enough to wait a year, do that instead. You and your stomach will thank you: nobody wants an ulcer on their wedding day.

9) Enjoy. A friend of mine recently got engaged and was asking me where I started with planning. While of course we got right on reserving locations and asking people to participate, I told her, "Enjoy being engaged." You're about to start on the most exciting adventure of your life with the partner of your dreams: enjoy that. Drink champagne. Grin like an idiot when you look at your ring. Kiss your S.O. often. Lie in bed at night and be happy with the journey on which you're about to embark. Take a little moment and be excited before you get stressed and wonder why you're doing this in the first place.

This, of course, is not the to-do list for wedding planning; they are merely things that I've learned in the last year. But remember that you're preparing for the rest of your life, to be kicked off by this single day. This is a celebration of that "forever." By making the planning process as painless as possible, you're more likely to see your wedding day as a celebration of your future, rather than a culmination of the past few stressful months.

Because nobody likes a grumpy bride.