Baffle

People.

People.

The human race is one of the most complex groups on the planet. Where else can you find a species whose members go out of their way to cause such extreme emotions in their fellow members? Joy, pain, guilt, rage, happiness, wonder - all at the hands of each other. For what? For pleasure. For amusement. For selfish joy.

I am not drawn to people. I am drawn to the stories they tell, but I am not naturally bent toward camaraderie with human beings. The nature of my personality is such that I am drained by most human interactions, and I need time by myself to re-charge that energy, just in time to have it sucked out again by a conversation, a party, a family dinner. We were in Florida last weekend to visit relatives and when my feet hit the threshold of our house, I went straight up to my room, shut the door, and laid in my bed watching "Sherlock" for the rest of the night, reassuring my family that I wasn't mad at them or being "antisocial" - I simply needed to be alone to rest my soul.

Scientists say that humans are no more than an advanced form of primates, but if we are inherently animals, we are treated drastically different. The latest trend is pit bulls: if a pit bull exhibits a mostly-docile nature and suddenly turns on its owner - say, a child - it's impounded and most likely destroyed. But when a trusted co-worker suddenly stabs you in the back and muddies your name with vicious gossip, they're pegged as "untrustworthy" and avoided. And how inhumane it would be to say, "Put her to sleep for her two-facedness."

Humans baffle me. Of all the mysteries on earth, I think human nature is the deepest, and because the ones studying human nature are inflicted with that same condition, I don't think we'll ever figure it out. In Peter Pan J.M. Barrie the Author described his fairies as being so small that they can only exhibit one emotion at a time. At least they throw their whole energy into being either bombastically angry or sugary sweet, and you never doubt which emotion that fairy is showing at one time or another. Humans, on the other hand, can play so many emotion cards at any given moment that it boggles the mind to think how they keep them straight: "I'm mad at her but I smile at her anyway, I secretly want him but I'll give him the cold shoulder until he notices."

It's no wonder we don't trust each other: we've given so much reason to doubt. How can you possibly trust a race that is capable - and in many cases, willing - to talk behind your back and lie to your face?

I've wished for years that people were honest with each other - that they played their emotional hand not as a matter of strategy or what they can get out of it, but simply because they have no reason to be false with their behavior. Be viciously angry. Sing when your heart is happy. Mutter that you're not "fine" even if you don't want to talk about it. But for God's sake, do not continue to put up the farce for your own gain or for the sake of another's feelings or in an effort to be consistent with the persona you've built for yourself. If we cannot be honest with our own emotions - the colors of our existence and the shade of our own spirit - how can we hope to be honest in any other area?