Uniformity

My heart is busy tonight. With a week left of summer break, the reality of this year is fast approaching, and, from where I stand now, I am not ready. I've managed to narrow my summer work left to do down to a final exam and five pages in a paper, but then what about packing? And work? And the inevitable multitude of other things that I will be commissioned to do?

Not to mention this is the year I've been dreading since freshman year, when my roommate of three years and my best friends - the circle of people with whom I fit best for the whole of my college career up to this point - are gone. It really hit home over the wedding weekend (I road-tripped to Maryland with three college buddies for the first wedding of our little group) that the phase of my life with which I found the most comfort and stability is over. Now this year is looming ahead of me with a vast expanse of new experiences, new people, new places for me to get involved. I have one year left - isn't this supposed to be the time when I have everything set? I feel like a senior citizen having to be hip and likeable all over again, I thought that was what freshman year was for. Now I'm starting over and rebuilding that core group of friends since half of them have moved on to bigger and better things - grad school...employment...parents' basements... I know that now is the time to "be brave, young pup," because people are looking to me as "that senior," like the ones that I so admired last year. But am I ready to take on such responsibility? Am I really worthy to be "that senior?"

I think back to senior year of high school when I sorta rolled into the position of "having it all figured out" quite comfortably: I knew who and what I was, I was happy, I was confident in my strengths and flaws. And this summer has been really helpful in getting me back to that point, only this time as an adult and (hopefully) longer-lasting.  My ever-present weight battle is back to a happy compromise. I sat in English pubs and coffee shops (which, by the way, I located and travelled to solo) and was treated like a local (or at least ignored like one). I am realizing (about forty-six years too late) that I am better than I think I am. I am strong, in-all-ways-except-financially independent, smart, talented.

And may I venture to say that I'm happy? For those of you who have kept up with my blog for a while, you'll see that this is not always the case.

When I look at it this way, I get excited to get back to school and see how I will handle it all. My dad has always encouraged me to approach life with an unquenchable curiosity and enthusiasm, and when I look at my senior year of college like that, I don't feel nearly as afraid as I sometimes do.

And when enthusiasm doesn't work, a good solid "shit-not-given" goes a really long way. :)

Cheer up, kid. You're gonna be fine.